If my older, wiser, more world-weary 22 year old self ran into my plucky 18 year old self right before she started her first year of college, I'd like to think that she'd hand 18 year old me a pair of tweezers and tell her to take care of her eyebrows, and also that she would give her a few hints and tips. These are the secrets to my success, folks; for me to be posting them in a blog like this is like letting you into one of those Rich Dad Poor Dad seminars, but for FREE. So pay attention.
-Leave the sewing kit at home. You'll soon discover that any holes in your clothing can be mended with a stapler until you're reunited with your sewing machine. You may think that this will look tacky, but no one is going to notice.
-Get off the mind-fuck drugs as soon as you can. And right after that, move as far away as possible from everyone you love. Actually you are going to do this anyway, and it's going to be awesome. But when you do it, don't worry so much about not talking to people/people forgetting you. Because you are great!
-There will come a time when you find more and more perfectly edible food in garbage cans, and you will be tempted to take it and eat it. I'm not saying don't do it, but it turns out that people generally frown upon that kind of behavior if you're not homeless, so use a little discretion. I know it seems a little counter-intuitive- you're a born scavenger! And no one's making fun of you for that sweet pair of badminton rackets you found in a dumpster, so I really do think you're onto something here. Just don't offer to share that found quesadilla with anyone. More for you anyway!
-Don't kiss anyone you've only known for fifteen minutes. Sometimes they're married!
-If you absolutely insist upon drinking a whole box of Franzia by yourself, make sure it's a red and not a white. Really. Even if you ignore all the other advice, take this part seriously. Really.
-When someone invites you home to meet their cats, chances are they probably don't have any. Okay, they really don't have any. But I think you should probably go home with them anyway because it makes for a really funny story later on.
-An empty can of beans is not an acceptable substitute for one of those windshield scraper thingies. And just because I don't know its proper name does not detract from its importance. Buy one. They're like 7 bucks and you're really not old enough for people to be making Cheap Jew jokes yet.
-You can use the foil from packs of cigarettes to spit your gum into.
-Don't feel bad about eating bacon. Also don't feel bad about eating French toast and bacon sandwiches.
Hindsight's a bitch.
2 comments:
So much wisdom! I feel like I learned some of these lessons with you - especially the garbage can one. Not the bean-can one one, though - did you scrape up your windshield?
I also wish I could've known you when that picture was taken and you were, presumably, a flapper.
My windshield was fine, but it did prompt my friend Selene to yell, "Rachel, you don't understand winter at all!"
If by flapper you mean high school senior with really really blond hair and affinity for magenta lip gloss, well then...no, I think you're better off having not known me back then.
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